To be free, first fight the battle within
Unhealthy dependencies can help us see the parts of us that are vulnerable and afraid, those parts which are rarely ever seen as strong. How should we respond to them—by elimination or integration?
What Will You Say If Jesus Asks, ‘Do You Love Me’?
Your intent to love Christ is defined by your readiness to obey Him and follow the spiritual practices that increase your love for Him
Stalked by Shadow Self? Step into Light
Do not be deceived by the imposter inside you who urges you to live an emotionally dishonest life; live for Christ’s affirmation alone
Where is God When We Grieve?
It is natural to mourn a loss and go through different phases of grief—anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance—but the compass that helps you navigate grief is Jesus, the one who restores hope in unfathomable ways
When Walls Become Doorways
Walls define, protect and defend. They create and maintain boundaries. They keep the unwanted out, protect the ones…
Plug Holes for the Whole Picture
“Was Michael Jackson a paedophile?” has been a much-debated topic. Leaving Neverland, the highly controversial documentary surrounding child…
#You Too, It’s Time to Own Up
What happens when a trusted doctor of a nation’s gymnastics team sexually assaults more than 150 women over…
Protect Children: Their Trust in God
Recall people with whom you felt safe as a child. If you can, and if your parents or…
The Wounds That Heal
There’s another kind of love: the cruellest kind. The one that almost kills its victims.”
These lines from the Hollywood movie ‘The Holiday’ speak of unrequited love. Love that is not reciprocated. Those who have experienced unrequited love probably empathise with those lines.
In some ways, unrequited love is a romantic, blissful state–what never entered into a deeper relationship can never truly end. Yet, this romantic notion can be shattered because of the intense emotional pain of loneliness and rejection that one may precipitate.
Would a love relationship that is ‘requited’, or reciprocal, seem to be satisfying? Possibly, if that kind of love is girded by consistency, safety and trust. But even such a love need not necessarily be safe and happy. In some such love relationships, there may be a particular dynamic that is worse than ‘unrequited’ love. Such relationships are sometimes driven by fear alongside love, two extremely powerful emotions. The relationship is characterised by yo-yo-ing between a fear of losing the relationship and phases of love and attention.
Usually someone in the relationship is blowing hot and cold. Someone is on again/off again, is randomly giving out or withholding expressions of love. This mechanism, intended or unconscious, keeps the fear alive in the recipient partner in spite of the random displays of love. Such inconsistent and intermittent reinforcement creates a kind of addictive bond between the two, where the partner at the receiving end of the random on/off behaviour becomes hooked to the promise of ‘hoping against hope’.
It is the lure of a promise lingering in the memories of those few good moments amongst countless bad ones that seem enough to keep a person in a relationship that is in varying shades toxic, manipulative and maybe even abusive.What does this hope hinge on? That certain beautiful love-moments, times of happiness, though infrequent now or even completely withheld, will return. “If I can just hang in there, maybe he/she will want me again.” It is the lure of a promise lingering in the memories of those few good moments amongst countless bad ones that seem enough to keep a person in a relationship that is in varying shades toxic, manipulative and maybe even abusive. Though it may seem that only romantic love relationships are driven by such dynamics, any love relationship can experience it, e.g., parent-child, friends.